burning down the house

if it came down to it, she would not be saved from a burning building.
"i'm going to burn alive"
she spends her days pairing them off. "well she would save him, because she would die without him, and SHE would save HER because she needs her in times of tragedy, and so on so forth"
but they would survive without her.
oh her mother? perhaps. but it really depends on who all is in the burning building. this strange metaphor is really just her way of weighing relationships.
or checking her weight in the world.
according to her scale, her weight is very light.
she is loved by many, but she does not come out on top in anyones charts. that is, assuming these people make charts. which they don't.

when she was little she used to think of what she would save.
her dog.
her cat.
herself.
her mother (but her mother was probably too strong to need saving).

her psychologist tells her that this is all very telling. the fact that she is the one needing the saving, and not the one doing the saving meant that she perceived herself as weak. and the fact that she assumed the building would burn all the way to the ground, and not be salvaged by the fire fighters meant she was a pessimist. like it was some big mystery. of course she was a fucking pessimist.

her psychologist was always full of bullshit like this.
she said "imagine the building is your life"
to which she responded "you mean, imagine my life is on fire?" which made her laugh, because it was a funny visual.

it was a rough test of character, she knew that. an unfair test of love, she knew. i mean, the chances of her being in a burning building with everyone she knew was not very likely. but perhaps at her birthday party? or her graduation party? or at her coming home party? (if ever she were to leave in the first place)

which brought her to the irony of the fact, that the only time all these people would be together would be to celebrate her. someone dropped the cake, it had too many candles, it was too close to the paper recycling, which was too close to coats, and so it spreads. and to think, they were all here for her, and she was the one that would burn alive. in chaos, she is lost.

lost, is not being unsure of where you are. lost is when you are unsure of where you are and no one else is thinking about you. then you are lost or drowning or burning. it all depends on which analogy you choose.

she was burning.
alive.

get her some water.


(incomplete.)